You can’t wear those–they’re illegal

WASHINGTON–In the distant past, the Food and Drug Administration limited its tyrannical powers to dictating what citizens can and cannot ingest, but recently it has become more and more interested in dictating what citizens can and cannot wear.

On Monday, the FDA halted importation of decorative contact lenses that are sold without a prescription.  Contact lenses bearing sports logos or other unusual markings have become a popular and fun way to enhance Halloween costumes over the past few years, but this year goblins from the FDA will be on the prowl.

According to the FDA, decorative lenses are extremely popular at beach shops, where much cavorting is often spotted.  The FDA will also be targeting convenience stores and flea markets, where sellers of unapproved lenses can expect to have men with guns confiscate their inventory.  But the agency has blessed the prescription-only sale of some tamer versions of cosmetic contact lenses, said FDA Deputy Commissioner Lester Crawford.  Approved lenses come in exotic monochrome tints, such as blue.

Fun is not explicitly permitted by any FDA regulation.